One Minister's Musings- Wholeness

When I was young, the term wholeness brought with it an image of something unbroken or without flaw. This image changed for me in my late 20’s when I was diagnosed and treated for depression and anxiety. Suddenly I saw myself differently – not whole.

This was a time when mental illness was still talk about in whispers and the only celebrity who shared her experience was Patty Duke. Stigmatization around mental illness was common and real. With my diagnosis and hospitalization, I was suddenly defined as mentally ill. Despite the fact that I had been mentally unwell in the past and now was becoming mentally well; the world saw me, and I saw myself, as mentally ill. The internal and external stigmatization had hold of me.

I felt broken. At age 26 I realized that despite medical treatment and therapy I would never be cured. I was learning to cope with anxiety and depression, but this was a process that was only beginning and would be with me all of my life. This new reality was with me and I had to find a way to live within it.

At this time there were two images that stayed with me – first from my graduate studies on biblical texts and the second from the Lilith Fair. The first was an image from Jeremiah of God molding us like a potter molding clay (Jeremiah 18) . The second the image from a song by Meredith Brooks called Shatter which includes the words “I may crack but I’ll never shatter.”

In my spiritual reflections, these images merged – a clay vessel created lovingly and beautifully, and this same vessel cracked, but strong enough not to shatter. I was this vessel, one that was cracked and could still be utilized by the spirit in ministry. Wholeness took a different meaning for me. Though I would never be cured, I could and I would be whole if I cared for myself, followed treatment, practiced spirituality, and held onto that which gave my life meaning.

I may have cracked, but this did not mean I could not be whole.

As I have moved from being a young woman to middle age, this lesson remains with me. I now know that illness and struggle are far from unique but an ubiquitous part of life – it is part of what it means to be human. I have also learned through the years that to be human is to be in relationship with others. Human beings are meaning making creatures and we strive and thrive when we are with others.

It is through relationality with ourselves, others, the world, and that which greater than us, unites us within hope, justice, and love. It is there that we can find the “glue” to keep ourselves and one another together. Though pain and difficulties come to each of us, when we are present for one another we can find wholeness. Together we know that though we may crack – together we will never shatter.